It’s a terrible thing to feel trapped. Encased within yourself unable to find freedom.
For the longest time I have been living in this sort of mental capsule, carrying baggage of ideas and thoughts that I just cannot make manifest.
It’s not like having writers block, although I imagine that the emotional turmoil created by such a situation can feel very similar. It’s more like being able to picture images or construct sentences in my mind and when it comes time to make them real outside myself, being incapable of doing so.
Sometimes I feel a flash of fortune and something comes out, tumbling into reality like a spate of fortune. But these moments are extraordinarily rare with much more of my mental envisioning being being suppressed by the practicality of the end resolution.
You’ll notice in that last paragraph for example, despite my best efforts (and all of this post is taking absolute concentration, and the use of inbuilt grammar checkers, I unbeknownst to me typed the same word twice without knowing. Iv’e chosen to leave that there instead of correcting after the fact because its fantastic timing help illustrate part of my problem.
Not that the problem is specifically writing things like that without meaning to. It’s much more than that.
The best way to explain it is like being able to picture a painting in your mind, and when you go to recreate it, you can’t make more than a line. Or having a thing in your head to write, and being unable to type it out.
I can hear whole sonnets but can barely find even the basic words. The word is right there in my head, but I can’t put it on paper or even make it come out of my mouth.
Be it art, writing, talking or a multitude of other things, it’s I can’t make it real at all, or like above its filled with mental glitches like, recurring words or ticks. There are some words I know to spell, I KNOW THEM, but every time I write them, I add a letter. Just at the end a little s or p, like a signature or a… a…
Dialect / or accent.
Totally unintended and unnoticed. Again I fix them after the fact when I notice, but I can stop them from happening no matter the effort or intent.
My wife recently, a couple of years ago, went through a long process of getting a diagnosis for ADHD.
It seems to be the condition of the year as a lot more people are coming out with having it. Thats not to say that I think it’s a social fad, I know it’s real and see her struggles with it daily. I don’t know if anyone has it as bad as I see her with it. But I do know that she sees people with it and how well they seem to be doing, and she feels bad about that. Like they are doing really well comparatively, and yet she feels she is not.
I suspect that like some conditions that ADHD is something with a spectrum and others do have it more or less than others. That also social background and family or friend networks are of great influence on how well people do with or without it.
I just think that because more people are coming forward with it, that more people are getting diagnosed and coming out with it publicly. Awareness is growing.
But I know there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t think it’s ADHD, so I have no idea where to start. A monumental part of me is broken and I don’t even have answers as to why.
I don’t assume I can be repaired or fixed. But it’s there always, deeply eating into my insides, trapping me.
One day I might break free and be able to unleash my self onto the world. But I suspect by then, no one will notice or care. I suspect no one cares now, so god forbid what people will feel later.
True death is the ambivalence of the rest of humanity.